What makes me so sure that I don’t deserve to be here? I couldn’t figure out how to use an eyedropper. It’s stupid; I know. You squeeze the bulb at the top to push the air out through the tube to create a vacuum. Then you dip the tip of the tube into a liquid and release pressure on the bulb, which then sucks the liquid into the tube to replace the air that went back into the bulb. You then relocate the tip of the tube to wherever it is you want to release the liquid and squeeze the bulb again so the air inside of it now pushes the liquid out of the tube. I know how it works, and I understand why it works. Nature abhors a vacuum. I get it. I just seem to lack the ability of practical application. As in every area of my life, I choke when the pressure’s on. I go blank. I try to think of what I’m doing, and my brain obstinately disconnects. So, I fake it, I lie, or I run away crying. I feel like a fraud if I receive any kind of a reward because I know I wasn’t honest or because I know I bent the rules. Or worse, I try and I fail; I make a mess or look like an idiot or I miss the mark and get flooded with shame. It’s super painful. Most of the time all I really want is for someone to see me with empathy in their eyes instead of judgment or lust. I want someone to offer me a hug and to tell me that everything is going to be okay. But that never happens. So, instead of getting angry at every other person in the world, I’ve decided to be angry only with myself. I’m sure I don’t deserve to be here because it hurts less than failing to prove that I do.