My pattern in love is continually experiencing abandonment. Other people keep leaving me and not showing up for me. I developed this pattern by internalizing a few critical experiences of abandonment in the past. I have been the source of perpetuating this pattern by not fully appreciating the people who did show up for me at other times in my life. I have also ensured the continuation of this pattern by not expressing what my wants and needs are. I have allowed my fear to keep me silent. If I ask for what I want or need, I might be shamed for having them. I already feel shame for having wants and needs. I should be independent and self-sufficient and not be a burden. I grew up feeling like a burden, not like I was valued. But I so desperately need to feel valued that I will do whatever it takes to prove that I have worth and value, which ultimately backfires and only serves to demonstrate to other people how little value I have for myself. Therefore, I need to learn how to value myself without devaluing others. I need to practice expressing my wants and needs instead of remaining silent and keeping them hidden. I need to begin to believe that other people will show up for me if I give them the opportunity to do so and that not everyone will abandon me, especially if I first refuse to abandon myself.
There is a There
There’s a passage in the Bible with which most people are familiar. The shepherd boy, David, kills the warrior giant, Goliath. The part most people miss is how David encouraged himself through his fear. He was reminded of how he had killed large, wild animals out in the pastures with his sling shot, and he told himself that this giant was no different. When I first reflected on this method, I felt sorry for myself because I didn’t have any past success to draw upon. I felt as though my entire life had been one successive string of failures. My past is full of depression and addiction, learned helplessness and avoidance. I didn’t know how I could use that shitshow as fertilizer for a fulfilling life now. I might not have evidence of success, but I do have proof of survival. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I have a deep sense of empathy and compassion. I hate these prosperity teachers who were born into privilege who’ve never been in the trenches, who don’t know what it’s like to low-crawl through the bloody battlefield of life; they just want to tell everyone else what to do, and they don’t understand what it’s like to have nothing, to be nothing, to be less than nothing. I do. I get it. I know, because I’ve been there, and I’ve come through to the other side. And yes, there is an other side. There were times when I wasn’t so sure. I used to think there was no “there” to get to, but I’m there now. It just doesn’t look like I was expecting it to. It’s not a place where everything is easy or grand. It’s a place of acceptance, of seeing the gems my past had to offer me, taking the trials, the tribulations, and, yes, even the traumas, and turning them around to see where grace, the goodness of other people, and the grit of sheer determination pulled me through. The journey of acceptance opened my heart to giving and receiving love again.
Seven Cs
I’ve spent most of my life lost in daydreams and mental fantasies pretending to be loved because I believed that it wasn’t possible for me to be loved in reality. My whole life, I tried to prove that I was worthy of love because deep inside I believed that I’m fundamentally not good enough for it. I’m too sick, too weak, too poor, too boring, and too broken to be loved. I got caught up in promiscuity, providing sexual contact to whoever wanted it from me so I could get my needs met in exchange: to be held, touched, and accepted no matter how briefly. I needed someone else to make me feel as though maybe I wasn’t a walking disease to be avoided at all costs. My strategy didn’t work. It backfired. It left me feeling worse, not better, and it became an addictive cycle of craving a fix of any kind to numb the pain.
What was the solution? I call it the 7 C’s: Courage, Compassion, Character, Curiosity, Creativity, Calling, and Community. I’m going to break down what worked for me. As we say in recovery, “Take what you like and leave the rest.” I highly encourage you to try everything, especially the things you feel the most resistance toward. The places where we push back the most are the things that draw us the furthest from our comfort zones. If something is currently too much, you can circle back around to it later. Recovery is incremental. We take steps, sometimes baby steps, sometimes backward steps, but we do make progress. We can rewrite the scripts of our lives. We can overcome the pain of the past. We can come to a place where we feel worthy of love and belonging, and we can experience them for real.
Integration
I don’t want to integrate 8-year-old Christie or 18-year-old Christie, 22-year-old Christie or 32-year-old Christie because I don’t want to go back to re-experience her pain. I want to leave the past behind me, to cut it off and move forward as Cee Marie, as a whole new person who wasn’t left behind or betrayed. I want to set my past ablaze in a heaping bonfire and simply walk away, but I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try. Every prior version of me still resides within me, still lingers in the cells of my being. Just like the rings in the trunk of a tree, my past selves form the core of who I am. They serve as proof of the dry seasons when my soul received little nurturance, and they bear witness to the storms my spirit has endured. Now, I need to be strong enough to go back and revisit them, to wrap my arms around my younger self, kiss her head, and run my fingers through her hair, even if it requires me to acknowledge her pain. I have to be willing to love her through the times when no one else was there for her. It’s the only way to bring healing into my present reality. It’s my responsibility to love her and to tell her that everything will be okay because I’m the only one who can. And, it’s really all she’s ever wanted.
No Faking
The 12-Step recovery movement has coined many useful phrases and aphorisms. However, there is one familiar slogan I would like to abolish: fake it till you make it. Those of us who have struggled through the throws of addiction know firsthand the harmful consequences of our dishonesty. The intention behind the phrase might be innocent enough; the wording isn’t. The word fake literally means not genuine, a forgery, sham, or a counterfeit. Personally, there is not a single part of my life that I want to allow to continue as a disingenuous projection. Authenticity, vulnerability, and radical honesty are my central aim.
So, instead of “fake it till you make it,” I recommend utilizing the phrase “act as if.” The word act means to do something, behave in a specific way, a deed, or to have a particular effect. As a recovering addict, it’s important for me to take responsibility for my behaviors and to pay attention to the effects that my behaviors are having on those around me. My brain wants to react to perceived threats automatically, without wasting any precious time for escape on things such as evaluating the situation or considering the feelings of others. In order to override my autonomic nervous system, I need to teach my body to slow down, to practice safety inducing exercises, and to remind myself that I do have the ability to choose how to behave. I am able to act as if I am safe. I can act as if I am loved. I do act as if I am responsible for my behaviors because these things are all true. I am safe. I am loved. I am responsible, even when I don’t particularly feel like it.
Release
I have come to accept that I have no control over life. I can make choices regarding what I do and how I want to feel, but I don’t have any authority over what happens to me or when. Therefore, my security is not placed in my own strengths or abilities. My confidence lies in knowing that everything will be okay. Okay does not mean I will get what I want. I do not ever expect anything to turn out the way I want it to. I’m grateful when it does, but my happiness doesn’t depend on it. Bad things happen. Hard times happen. Losses happen. There are times to grieve as well as times to celebrate. The human life experience encompasses the full range of emotional experiences. Take it all in. Release your clenched fists and open your hands to receive all that life has to offer you.
Physical Illness
Depression is as much of a mental illness as having a brain tumor. The misfiring of neural activity, the bypassing of the prefrontal cortex, and the systemic jamming of the limbic regions are physical processes not mental ones. Mental functioning is impaired, but so is digestion, blood circulation, and other neurological functions throughout the body. Involuntary muscle contractions and muscle spasms are other non-mental symptoms of the depression illness. Labeling depression as a mental illness is a terrible misnomer. Depression is not merely chronic sadness, which can be healed through strategies such as therapy and meditation. Depression, like any other physical illness, requires physical intervention to promote healing. Sometimes, a regimen of supplementation is enough to restore an adequate neural balance. At other times, pharmaceutical medication is necessary. The term “mental illness” makes it sound like one’s depression is all in their head, which not true. Depression stems from the brain, but it affects other parts of the body as well. It’s a physical illness in need of physical solutions.
Intro to Anonymous
What a sorry-sack bunch of losers we are, I thought to myself as I scanned the closet-sized office space. There were a couple of old guys, a couple of stereotypical nerds who looked as though they still lived in their mother’s basements playing video games semi-professionally, a Hispanic dude, and me. And then, holy fuck no, you have got to be kidding me, directly before my eyes, the pretty boy. The type of guy whom I was constantly scanning dating sites to find, the exact fulfillment of everything I was looking for in a man, physically anyway, right there. Right in front of me. I could literally fall to my knees and be right at his feet and beg him to run away with me and be with me forever. Yep, I was triggered.
I was triggered, but I was there. I had made the first giant leap of faith and showed up. Once I was in the meeting room, I was hooked. I had a place where I felt I could belong. These guys were in worse shape than I was, or so I thought at the time. I didn’t realize how messed up I actually was. I didn’t realize how out of control and unmanageable my life had become. All I knew was that I kept having sex compulsively and couldn’t stop. It was out of hand; it was getting dangerous, and something had to be done about it, something had to give.
Weird
I’m weird, and I’m proud of it. I’m wired in such a way that I don’t impress many people. In fact, I’ve always felt life an outsider. I’ve always been a loser. I suck at sports. I have zero charisma. I often make people uncomfortable because I’m content to sit in silence observing the world through a wide-angled lens. I don’t need much to make me happy. I could spend all day walking along a stream singing to myself with my head in the clouds, the breeze on my face, and not a care in the world. I have ADHD, so I often zone out, have difficulty participating in conversations, unless it’s a conversation with myself, but even then, everyone else fades into an oblique peripheral. People tend to desire conformity; the word conform is very similar to comfort. There’s a time and a place for comfort, but it needs to be confronted by stretching ourselves beyond that which we find familiar, which I do every time I have to talk with another person.
Help
I am a helper. I want to do everything for everyone. I give and give and give, and everyone else takes me for granted and fails to respond with any appreciation for all of my sacrifice. They take advantage of me and my generosity. No one seems to understand that I have needs too and that they need to meet my needs as reciprocation for everything I do for them. I slide into anger and feel a desperate need to control everything around me when my needs are not getting met. How do I escape this continuous pattern of everyone else disrespecting me, not appreciating me, and throwing all their garbage in my face as if I’ve done something wrong? I don’t get it. All I do is help and get treated like crap in return. What more could I possibly do?
You can stop. Hit the pause button and get still with yourself. Where does this need for approval come from? What motivates you to do so much for other people who may not need or want your help? Do your gifts come with strings attached (I’ll do this for you so you will do this for me)? Does your helping prevent others from doing things for themselves? Are they really so incapable? How does your continually stepping in to do something for them make them feel? Have you ever asked? Do you care? Are you entitled to help and to give just to make everyone else obligated to thank you, to fawn over you with gratitude and praise? What are your real motives? Are you the only one who’s good enough to do it right? Are you trying to make up for past feelings of guilt? Are you giving in order to ease your own shame of being a flawed human being? Learn to love and accept yourself just as you are and you won’t need to get into such power struggles by using your current pattern: trying to earn love through helping and giving too much.
Worthy of Love and Belonging 