writing

ChristiePanter

Realization

I had a realization today. I’ve been trying to “fix” my problems at the same level of consciousness that created them. These efforts are futile. I keep spinning myself in circles thinking that if I merely rely on my strengths, I can gradually pull my life into a desirable comfort zone and stay there. I want to stake my claim, pitch a tent, and camp out forever wherever my life can be filled with peace and tranquility. Well, life doesn’t seem to cooperate with my goal.

My lazy butt wants to sit around on my couch all day singing to myself and simply bliss out. I don’t want to feed myself, care for myself, or fend for myself let alone do anything for someone else. Life would be perfect if I could simply bliss out and ignore all the bumpy parts. I thought peace was the answer, the solution for my tendency toward sloth. But no. It isn’t. That line of thinking was wishful thinking.

What I actually need is self-control. I need to discipline myself to do the things I don’t want to do. By “discipline,” I don’t mean punishment. The last thing I need to do is to judge or to criticize myself for what I’m not doing well. The definition to which I’m referring here is the act of training myself to obey the rules of conduct that will get me the results for which I’m longing. If I keep sitting around waiting to feel like doing something, I’m not going to make any progress toward my goals. I need to take constructive action.

How do I get myself to take action when I don’t want to do it? For me, I begin by asking myself whether I really want the result for which the action is necessary. After I ask myself whether I want to cook a nutritious meal for myself, (hint: the answer to this question is always a resounding no!), I then ask myself whether I want to have the energy I need to fuel a productive day. Do I want to have a healthy body? Yes. Do I want to be able to go out and play with my friends? Yes. Do I want to be able to help other people to feel better and to live the best version of their lives? Yes. Okay then. The only way I’m going to accomplish these objectives is to cook a nutritious meal, to feed myself some healthy food, and to clean up after myself as well so that I don’t have a linger mess lying around, weighing me down, and distracting me from the other things I want to get done. If I stay focused on the results toward which I’m striving instead of allowing myself to get bogged down by the amount of work it’s going to take to get myself there, I find that I’m much more willing to do the work, to take the actions I need to do in order to get there.

Do I want to take a shower? No. Do I want to not stink around my friends? Yes. Okay then, into the shower I go.

ChristiePanter

There is a There

There’s a passage in the Bible with which most people are familiar. The shepherd boy, David, kills the warrior giant, Goliath. The part most people miss is how David encouraged himself through his fear. He was reminded of how he had killed large, wild animals out in the pastures with his sling shot, and he told himself that this giant was no different. When I first reflected on this method, I felt sorry for myself because I didn’t have any past success to draw upon. I felt as though my entire life had been one successive string of failures. My past is full of depression and addiction, learned helplessness and avoidance. I didn’t know how I could use that shitshow as fertilizer for a fulfilling life now. I might not have evidence of success, but I do have proof of survival. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I have a deep sense of empathy and compassion. I hate these prosperity teachers who were born into privilege who’ve never been in the trenches, who don’t know what it’s like to low-crawl through the bloody battlefield of life; they just want to tell everyone else what to do, and they don’t understand what it’s like to have nothing, to be nothing, to be less than nothing. I do. I get it. I know, because I’ve been there, and I’ve come through to the other side. And yes, there is an other side. There were times when I wasn’t so sure. I used to think there was no “there” to get to, but I’m there now. It just doesn’t look like I was expecting it to. It’s not a place where everything is easy or grand. It’s a place of acceptance, of seeing the gems my past had to offer me, taking the trials, the tribulations, and, yes, even the traumas, and turning them around to see where grace, the goodness of other people, and the grit of sheer determination pulled me through. The journey of acceptance opened my heart to giving and receiving love again.

ChristiePanter

Seven Cs

I’ve spent most of my life lost in daydreams and mental fantasies pretending to be loved because I believed that it wasn’t possible for me to be loved in reality. My whole life, I tried to prove that I was worthy of love because deep inside I believed that I’m fundamentally not good enough for it. I’m too sick, too weak, too poor, too boring, and too broken to be loved. I got caught up in promiscuity, providing sexual contact to whoever wanted it from me so I could get my needs met in exchange: to be held, touched, and accepted no matter how briefly. I needed someone else to make me feel as though maybe I wasn’t a walking disease to be avoided at all costs. My strategy didn’t work. It backfired. It left me feeling worse, not better, and it became an addictive cycle of craving a fix of any kind to numb the pain.

What was the solution? I call it the 7 C’s: Courage, Compassion, Character, Curiosity, Creativity, Calling, and Community. I’m going to break down what worked for me. As we say in recovery, “Take what you like and leave the rest.” I highly encourage you to try everything, especially the things you feel the most resistance toward. The places where we push back the most are the things that draw us the furthest from our comfort zones. If something is currently too much, you can circle back around to it later. Recovery is incremental. We take steps, sometimes baby steps, sometimes backward steps, but we do make progress. We can rewrite the scripts of our lives. We can overcome the pain of the past. We can come to a place where we feel worthy of love and belonging, and we can experience them for real.